I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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