You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
