why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
