sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
