guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
