Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
