my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Randomize
