Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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