The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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