I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
