Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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