Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
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I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
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The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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