nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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