i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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