I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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