her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You ate ashes out of my bong
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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