is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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