Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
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Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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