Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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