We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize