i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
