Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
