I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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