she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
