so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
