He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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