...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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