I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
