You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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