I got chris browned last night
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Where is the hickey?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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