he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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