my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
