Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
