I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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