she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
