My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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