at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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