Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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