I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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