Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
