My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm too high and old for this...
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize