she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
