i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
