That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
