it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
