Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
