Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
