Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
