I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm