"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
27 Times The Kardashian-Jenner Clan Absolutely Slayed at NYFW
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
19 Doctors Confess The Most Difficult Situation They’ve Ever Had To Face
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?