Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
