im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
