well I can't set my house on fire every night
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
