You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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