So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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