I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
