are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
