the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
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Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
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Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
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